In the late first century (2000 years ago), Epictetus, a Greek philosopher taught:
It is not what happens to you but how you react that matters.
In The Art of Living, author Sharon Lebell, borrowing on Epictetus, explained that no matter our circumstance--what is going on around us--we get to choose what to think and thus, what to feel and hence what we do about it. Call it moral agency, free will or what have you, it is the same.
There may be no greater truth that, if understood and accepted, would have a more profound effect on the way we all feel and how we treat each other.
As our children grew, they would quarrel as children do. One would say, "They made me mad!" We would correct them and say, "No, they gave you a reason and you chose to get mad."
As with most laws of success, this may be simple to understand, but very difficult to implement.(1)
Our world is awash with excusiologists. There is always someone or something to blame for our troubles, pain, grief, and misery. It is true because it is part of the human experience. Intentionally or otherwise, we hurt others and others hurt us. Also, every one of us either do, have or will face very difficult circumstances.
But the questions we should each ask ourselves is "What do I gain by choosing to blame? What do I gain by choosing to wallow in pain, grief, misery, helplessness, hopelessness, sadness, hatred, disgust, resentment, toxic shame, etc.?(2)
That choice, as it is said, is
Like drinking poison expecting the other person to die.
That choice determines how we show up. It affects our demeanor, our work, our relationships, our physical health, our mental health, our character development, our lifestyle. It affects everything!
Some choose to justify or excuse their harmful, hurtful, or unhealthy behaviors. In most cases, those behaviors are symptoms of something deeper--some unhealed hurt.(3)
Jesus Christ taught:
If for no other reason, not to only hurts you and those you care about.
Choosing to think differently is to simply (not easily) redirect your thoughts. It is also known as a paradigm shift.(4)
Try this next time someone cuts you off in traffic: Instead of allowing yourself to think,"What a jerk"!; feeling angry and expressing, "%$#@*&"! Stop and switch: "Maybe they didn't see me." "That poor soul must be in a terrible rush." "How sad for them to be so upset." "Perhaps they didn't see me and feel embarrassed for driving that way." You are making up what is going on in their mind anyway, because you can't possibly know. So try making up something that works better for you.
In the end, when you too often feel bad, you are the problem...and you are the solution, not the other person.(5)
Learn this truth: The choice is always yours; and choose wisely.
(1) I strongly recommend Jody Moore for the finest and most efficacious coaching on implementing this principle.
(2) I am in no way invalidating any emotion nor designating any emotion as good nor bad. Emotions just are. Nor do I mean to discredit anyone suffering from physiologies that impose chronic ailments either physical or mental. I refer to the vast majority who are otherwise healthy but choose to suffer.
(3) see Why Good People Do Bad Things: How to Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy, by Debbie Ford or People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Healing Human Evil, by M.Scott Peck, M.D. or any of several other sources.
(4) see 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by Steven R. Covey
(5) see Leadership and Self Deception:Getting Out of the Box by the Arbinger Institute for a full treatise.